I Cry Because Others Are Stupid… Autism Hearings Today

[Quickly let me say, I am blogging here today because I still hate my website.  It needs so much work.  I hate it. Please anyone with WordPress on a server who knows what they are doing hit me up.

Second, because at 2 p.m. today for the first time in really too long a time, there will be Autism hearing in front of the Congressional Oversight and Reform committee.  I keep hearing it will be on C-Span 3, but not confirmed so this link is a back up for that:  Streaming here now: http://www.c-span.org/Live-Video/C-SPAN3/ Other link not working
Now, down to business:

There was a time when I would get excited over new developments in the Autism community.  A new study supporting a vaccine link... or a new study PROVING that there are MEDICAL and Metabolic underpinnings to autism... Oh! I would get so excited!! I would say, "I am one day closer to my "VINDICATED" tattoo!!  But after a while that excitement turned to apathy.  The mainstream media ignores such things.  Instead they continue to promote this idea that "that Doctor who said vaccines cause autism lost his license because he lied" (if you still believe that you are an ignorant fuck) and that autism is all about quirky kids who are great at math and can shoot baskets.  --And if you still believe that, go fuck yourself.

So these hearings are today.  I suppose I will watch.  I know there are some smart peeps testifying and they will say great things, but I am not excited.  In fact I find myself pretty pissed off this morning.  We did this 10 years ago.  We did this 12 years ago.  The only thing that has changed is that MORE kids are being diagnosed with autism.  There is an OBVIOUS environmental factor and NO ONE SEEMS TO GIVE A FLYING FUCKITY MOTHER FUCK.

FUCK ALL OF YOU who ignore me. FUCK ALL OF YOU who read my posts and think I am just some crazy woman ranting.  This is a NATIONAL FUCKING EMERGENCY, YOU DIM WITS! THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF OUR FUCKING SPECIES YOU STUPID STUPID STUPID ASSHATS.

And I see nothing coming out of today's hearings.  Nope. Nothing.

A friend of mine posted this video this morning along with some powerful words:

She said, in part: “”628,320. SMDH

4,620 days ago today, I testified before the Congressional Committee on Oversight & Government Reform. I was concerned that the CDC was reporting 1 in 500 children had autism and the numbers were actually higher, closer to 1
in 100. I was concerned that we had an urgent public health crisis on our hands. [snip]

Turns out, as parents, we were right.  [snip]

That’s 628,320 children that have been, or will be, diagnosed with autism since that morning of April 6, 2000 in this country alone.
That’s more than the populations of Boston, Denver, Milwaukee, Washington, DC, Sacramento or even the Atlanta, where the CDC is located.

Isn’t that enough to go ahead and declare autism an urgent public health crisis then address it as such?  [snip]

I’m still mad as hell and we don’t have time to go round and round and round.” –Friend I won’t cite because she probably rather people don’t know she knows me

Not a damn thing has changed.  Our youngest generation is the sacrifice for our modern lifestyle and greed. And our entire species will follow.  And our government does nothing.  I really do not understand how they don’t see this as national fucking emergency. How it is not seen as the beginning of the end of our species. How this is not important. Are they that fucking stupid???

I found a few tears dripping out of my eyes this morning after reading my friends words and watching that video.  I thought to myself, “Really?  Why are you crying??” I thought about it and that is what I realized.  It boiled down to the fact that there are so many stupid fucking sheep out there. And that makes me sad.

I will be back with more after the hearings today… and that is a threat and a promise.  I am not fucking around.

MMS –some more.

OK, so I finally got the website up and that is where I am updating on MMS as often as I can:

http://www.autismwars.com –look across the page listing for the MMS page.  Pretty much everything else in still under construction, but I am getting there!!

I will also be blogging there from now on.

MMS.

MMS? WTF? IDK? Huh?

A few months ago I started to see some debate about MMS is the autism community –with dear friends of mine coming down on both sides of this debate.  I was left scratching my head because I had no idea what MMS even was. A quick search of the internet did not give me a good impression… “Bleach water!” That was what was in my mind as I skimmed over all the commentary out there. I was finding myself siding with those against its use. But then I remember that I was added to a group where the use of MMS was being discussed.

I logged onto the group and saw a lot of familiar names.  REALLY SUPER SMART warrior moms, whom I know would never jump in blindly on a new treatment without doing their research –add to that, they were seeing results.  I had to know more.

So I started reading more, emailing people, dusting off chemistry books –thinking and pondering so hard that smoke was pouring out of my ears. I was sent some pages by a friend, that discussed the negative aspects of MMS, referring to it as a chemotherapy.  And for the most part, I am against such things.  I believe in boosting the body’s natural ability to heal itself. I found those pages to be full of factual errors, however, so I found myself not too willing to listen to their opinion of MMS. I was directed to some YouTube videos, that frankly did not answer my questions. I was directed to some files that still did not answer my questions… But I also remembered a thought that had entered my own head over a decade ago… See, MMS is being used to treat HIV in some areas of the globe.  Ten years ago I had the same thought about similar substances… Is there something similar to bleach that could be safely taken internally that would kill HIV? –that was my thought.  I am no chemist and very ADHD, I didn’t give it much thought. Apparently, there are smart people out there who pondered it and figured it out.

Still, I was going back and forth on the issue. I downloaded Jim Humble’s book on MMS and at that point was even more turned off because he kept talking about how one can profit for making and selling the stuff… this comes up like twice in the first couple chapters/introduction of the book.  –Even though he swears he does not profit from it, that he is just getting the word out there…

At that point I kinda walked away from it all. I couldn’t decide, didn’t want to read his book anymore, hadn’t really found my answers… “I’ll pick it up later –much later”

Flash forward to the Autism One conference.  There was going to be an MMS presentation! I was not going to miss it!

Before that Presentation I seemed to have a lot of encounters that I will call sign posts along the way.  I listened to Doctors speaking of viruses and bacteria that are hiding out in the majority of our kids.  I talked to moms about yeast and parasites… a lot. I learned that one reason my child might be a “non-responder” is because ALL that good stuff I have been giving him all this time, was feeding parasites and not actually benefiting him all.  I felt like there was a giant neon arrow flashing over my head pointing me in the direction of the MMS talk… and at that talk, that is where the rest of my questions were answered… Like how it only goes after the bad stuff and not good tissue, how it is converted in the body to harmless substances within an hour and there is no build up of these substances.
My list of questions went on –and I am being vague in this blog on purpose.  This is a seriously off label treatment for CO-MORBID conditions that are sometimes present in Autism. I think you all need to make this journey on you own –think of your own questions, find your own answers, do the footwork yourself so that you are comfortable trying this.

I will say this… My bottles came today, and I found myself going over the “are you sure you want to do this?” check list in my head again. (The answer is YES!)

The biggie… my take away from AO lectures, my own child’s symptoms and history, and from a conversation with a Dr in the sauna, I can’t remember his name! –If I decided to treat Gavin for all these BUGS that have invaded his body, I would be sitting here right now with a pile of pharma pills –anti-biotics, anti-fungals, anti-parasitics, anti-virals… all with known side effects… all that will wreak havoc on his body as we try to balance out the mess… Or… MMS. MMS does the same thing as all of those.  AND It is NOT bleach.  I will post some links below for you to start researching it for yourself.

Yes, I prefer natural methods –but I tried that for years, it didn’t work. Hundreds a month spent on natural products that are supposed to kill bugs, and supplements, and MB12… the whole cast of characters. None of it helped. It often left him more agitated!  I hope to someday get him to the point where all the bad stuff is dead and we can go back to trying to boost his own body to heal and protect itself… but he has been so messed up for so long… MMS for us!

I am starting on the regular dose loading schedule for myself.  For Gavin, it’s the slooooow method. I am comfortable with that.  And I will be logging and blogging every day on our progress.  For a while I will post here and on the website, which I swear is up –I just can’t find a template that I like, so bear with me There will be an MMS page on there by tomorrow, and I will link to it from here.

Links:

MMS Autism http://www.mmsautism.com/

The presentation at Autism One, in four parts: (note to my mother, don’t watch it… trust me
part 1:  http://livestre.am/3VW8E
part 2:  http://livestre.am/3VWaQ
part 3: http://livestre.am/3VWhx
part 4: http://livestre.am/3VWn5

Those are good places to start … but do google it, and search out videos on YouTube… MMS, Jim Humble… read it all and draw your own conclusions –as I am not your doctor and this is not medical advice.

Hey, *psst* you got the stuff??

Autism Moms have the best shit.

I love a gathering of moms and dads who know more about supplements than anyone else on the planet.  They always bring the good shit with them too.  Picture it, just 30 minutes ago…

ME: I feel like I got hit by a truck. All my usual tricks for lack of sleep and hangover had failed.
MY Supplier: Here take these!  –and suddenly in my head I am amused by what looks like a drug deal, only with legal supplements !! of course!!

“Take this shit, man! I am telling you… BAM! You’ll be full of energy again in no time!”
“Here, here is some GABA, take that shit too –you’ll be coming back begging for more!”
“That little red one there, just put it under your tongue and enjoy the ride!

I am feeling great and going to go hit up a 5 p.m. session! Looking forward to SPA Night!! I bet they have good shit there!

So I will blog here!

I got logged off the place where I edit my http://www.autismwars.com

And I don’t know how to log back on.. I am a dork.
I will try to figure it out today.

I will blog from here, and I will be updating the Facebook page

https://www.facebook.com/autismwars My profile.
FB Page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Autism-Wars/174815722570376

AAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Getting ready!!!

Just survived getting the kids off to school, with Gavin obsessing and Liam screaming! –Look for this girl at AO! Identifiable by coffee mug that will be in the same position prior to 11 a.m. on any given morning. How do you like those dark circles and morning hair that hasn’t seen a brush yet?? SOOO looking forward to spa night!

So… I am sitting here kinda smelling like dog poo. I love my pets!  :/ I have sooo much to do today!! CLEAN, PACK, RUN*! SHOWER! I have to tear down my son’s computer and move it to my parents house for the length of the trip so that he has something to occupy him for 5 days!
*oh, so misleading!! Run errands… LOL I … I don’t run… not anymore.  I abused my knees in my early 20′s… Wait… that sounds bad… get your mind out of the gutter, I meant I ran lot back in the day and wore them down… and… oh, forget it…

Autism One 2012 Conference starts today! I will be rolling in tomorrow evening.
Here is the schedule of events!  Today includes culinary day, among other things. Starting or wanting to start your child on a special diet? Be sure to tune in!

You can watch the live stream HERE!
–I am thinking at some point there will be different channels for the different rooms, but right now I cannot see that.
The page does say that there will be “watch video” links pop up on that schedule as they are streaming –and this year the content will be left up FOR A YEAR, so you have time to watch EVERYTHING!

And yes, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am using a lot of exclamation marks. I am excited. dammit.

I am still taking donations to help cover the costs if you are so inclined and able.

http://widget.chipin.com/widget/id/bb85b44e9a0c577d

tear out my heart… feed it to lions.

For this one wish I beg you this tonight

When do you throw in the towel?

I remember saying to a friend last summer that THIS was the year! It was the year that we turned 35 and our YOUNG teenage sons grew taller than us.  We’d talk about how we in no way feel 35… or at least what we must have thought 35 felt like when we were young teenagers.  Thirty five is young. Forty five is young.   –Sixty seems old..er… I don’t know… Ask me again in 20 years.

Fifteen is baby. Fifteen is pretty much the start of your grown up life.  Fifteen you are thinking about getting your drivers license. You are thinking about freedom… future plans…

Gavin will be 16 this fall.  He wants his drivers license.  He cannot have it.  He can’t drive a car.  Maybe with hours and hours and hours and hours of training I could get him to understand his role as driver… but he’d never be able to learn to react to the subtle clues we pick up on –of the other drivers… How I know that asshole in front of me, driving slow and talking on his phone just might do something that is going to call for the slamming of my breaks.  Plus… he’d never stop He has my gypsy blood.  He wants to see everything.  He’d never come home.

I didn’t tell him that he can’t have his license because of his autism.  I told him it is because of his seizures… which is a lie.  He hasn’t had one in years and has been off his meds since October.  So he wants a bike instead. Oy! “Gavin go to town alone, no mommy??”
“We’ll talk about it later”  That is my answer for all his obsessions…  And it’s not to be mean.  My answer doesn’t matter… YES!! NO!! Maybe…
My answer doesn’t matter because he will keep asking anyway.  It can drive you crazy. I said his perfect job would be Gitmo interrogator… boy can break anyone’s spirit after 5 hours of “Move back to Oklahoma end of Summer 2012???”  –I’ll take water-boarding any day. Some of you might think I am joking, some of you moms know exactly what I am fucking talking about.

I digress as usual…

Fifteen is old.

When Gavin was diagnosed I didn’t think much about “recovery” –there wasn’t much talk about that in 1998.
We tried diet, because I heard it helped.  We learned from Bernie that B6 and Magnesium and DMG helped.  We later learned of secretin… we later learned of the DAN! think tank and all their suggestions like chelation, and MB12 shots… we tried these things… all along I never pondered the word “recovery”  I just wanted to make him better.

And all these things seemed to help a little.  A *little*.  Suddenly recovery was all around me.  Kids losing their diagnosis from supplements and diet.
From chelation.
From Glutathione.
From MB12.
From a combination of it all.
I tried it all.

It helped a *little*.

Every year it felt like I was fighting the school.
KD was a disaster!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH HOW I  WISHED I had kept him out of school and just kept going with the 40 hours of ABA we had been doing up to that point.
I wanted to pull him for 1st, but they convinced me it would be better that year.
1st was a disaster.
I pulled him for second and got him through KD AND 1st grade skills,since all he did in KD and 1st was play on the computer in the “emotional support” classroom.
He went back for 2nd.
2nd was a good year. It was the only one.
3rd his teacher didn’t “know what to do with him!! I have 25 other students, you know!”
–I pulled him.
4th grade was the year I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay mainstreamed anymore. He went into an autism classroom.
5th, 6th, 7th now 8th….
I was never happy.  It was never really on the mark.
This was THE year.

This was the year that I realized pushing academics seems silly.
MAYBE, MAYBE they could get through to him with the academics IF… IF they could fix all the sensory stuff that completely and totally prevents him from functioning. Maybe it’s time to step back… give up… throw in the towel… learn to cope with the sensory, focus on life skills, try to make him happy.

I never focused on recovery. I just wanted him to get better… to be happy.
I feel like I have failed at that.
And I feel pissed that recovery is just never going to happen for him.
Maybe if I knew MORE about mito disorders when he was a baby.
Maybe if he hadn’t got so much mercury he wouldn’t be as bad.
Maybe if he had been born a decade later…
Maybe I went the wrong direction.
Maybe I lacked focus…

I’m a realist, not a dreamer.  I live day to day. Roll with. Take it as it comes.  I never got pissed off over autism. Sure –I get pissed over the causes and the incompetence, I get pissed at the morons who argue with me when it is obvious they’ve never read a single study for themselves.  But the autism never bothered me. I never said, “Why Me? Why Him?”. It was, “Sure, Ok, Fine, Whatever, We’ll be fine, We’ll figure it out”
That seemed to all change this year as adulthood approached.

People would ask me, when he was 2 and 3 and 4… “Will he be able to live on his own when he is older?”
I’d say, “I don’t know yet.”
I have the answer now.

“I’m almost home
The sun’s to rise
I got to know
I’ve been driving all the night
There’s our corner up ahead
I’m alive and I am dead
I drive right through the stop sign
I turn my head
As I lift my eyes”
It’s dark.

A lot of autism parents say that they “lost their child” to the abyss of autism when they were young… when they had that vaccine, when they first got the diagnosis, when the light in their child’s eyes went out.  I never felt that way.

THIS is the year.  This is the year that I feel like I lost him.

THIS is the year that I am pissed off
and grumpy
and anxious
and feeling like a wild, fucking caged animal.

Does this post make my defeat look big?
Feel like I went 5 minutes with Mike Tyson and my ear is missing.
Forgive me if I seem a little more pissy this year.
Forgive me if I am a little more serious.
I have to re-frame everything.
I have to start all over.

I’m going for another drive.

“And if you find out he’s coming home
When I come around the corner
I’ll know that it’s alright
Leave me two lights”

Nobody Likes a Douche Nozzle

Retard. Crazy. Autistic.

My child ain’t done nothing wrong.

I could go on and on about this topic for hours… meet me in person and ask me how I really feel! For the purpose of this blog, and some hope that you will really think about this long and hard for days, I will keep it (relatively) short.

I have been watching a lot of Genealogy programs on TV lately, it’s a hobby of mine –when I have hobby time.  There is Who Do You Think You Are, and Professor Gates has done a couple series for PBS, his current one is Finding Your Roots.  There is a theme in these shows –at least, it is my take-away… From the beginning of time, human beings treat each other like shit.

I don’t suppose that is ever going to change. It ought to.

I used to think people were inherently evil.  Then I decided that people were inherently out for survival –that if we do “evil” things it is because we HAD to in order to survive. I think it is time to change my thinking again… because I don’t think we can use that excuse today.  There is no reason to NOT be educated.

Ignorance leads to fear.  When you are fearful you do stupid shit.  This is 2012…. what excuse do we have for ignorance?
Watch this video, pay close attention.
http://www.nbc.com/assets/video/widget/widget.html?vid=1210624

So, autism you say? Where am I going with this?
A heart shattered by a glimpse into autism.

The woman in that story has a serious throat punch coming to her. Was she fearful for her LIFE?  If so she is an ignorant fuck.  I don’t remember hearing about a serial killer in Ohio that went after stuffy bitches in parking lots in the middle of the day with several witnesses around. Was she in a hurry?? Fuck her if that was her excuse too. –I know, ironic on my part… here I am trying to tell you to be nice to people, but I want to do bodily harm to ignorant bitches. Well, this is easily reconciled… I do give people a fair shake… everyone enters my world with a clean slate… until they do something worthy of my wrath.  She qualifies.

This is not a rare story. I have lived in cities… I would sit and watch how people treated the homeless or anyone that appeared a little shifty.  And I can say, there are a lot of ignorant fucks out there. Some of my favorite times and memories are from hanging out with the individuals that most people avoid.

Don’t be a douche nozzle. Can we try to be KIND humans…   Try harder. Be decent.  Take 5 minutes to slow down and help someone out when they need it.

“I’d rather be dead than turn my head away” –what makes me different?  I don’t think I am special.  I don’t think I am important. Most days I don’t even have $1 to offer… Most days I am running late for something…. Does any of that matter?  Just be a decent fucking human being.

There might be hope, for people with autism (watch the video that I include at the end)… But sadly that hope comes from force.  Find someone who doesn’t know anyone with autism.  Our tolerance is coming from sheer numbers.  But there are still Douche-y ignorant fucks aplenty**. And this isn’t just about autism.

Uh... really?

**Edit to add, here is a perfect example (of Douche-y ignorant fucks) … this is something out local paper editor posted in public forum two years ago (this man has a child with down syndrome, by the way)

Floored.

I said I was reluctant and taking a break, but I wanted to share what happened this afternoon.

She said WHAT????

I was at an eval for my son.  For his TSS services (behavioral health type thing) for summer.  After 13 years of doing these things I simply phone it in.  I didn’t even think he needed a TSS.  We didn’t have them in Oklahoma or Louisiana.  PA is the only state that even has such a program.  The school wanted one for him, so let them have one… I was even more disinterested than usual.

But today the Psychologist said something to me that I never thought I would hear in a million years, “Have you tried supplements with him?” See, I hadn’t even mentioned it.  Why bother?  When you mention biomed interventions to these people they usually look at you like you have three heads.  So I don’t even mention it anymore.  I went on to tell her that, yes, we’ve have done and continue to do a lot of that stuff.  She went on to recommend Dr. Faber in Pittsburgh. She highly recommends that I take Gavin there.
Fucking True! From the mouth of a MENTAL health professional –seek biomedical intervention.

It put some things in perspective today –what I have been saying for years, but forget all too often. The government can keep up their bullshit, because this issue is never going to be solved on that level.  They stand to lose too much.  Some of them are fucking guilty of crimes… This will be, and is, a battle that will be won on the level of the parents. We will get the information out there.  Hopefully people will start to listen on the prevention level.  But if you choose to ignore us on that level, we’ll pick you up on the rebound and help to fix your kids when you are ready to listen.

The change is going to have to come at the grass roots level.

So I say again — Are you going to believe the doctors who say it can’t be done, or listen the parents who’ve already done it?

Reluctant.

Adjective: Unwilling and hesitant; disinclined.

This isn’t about autism. But it is.

I am SO OVER autism. So much so, I ain’t proof reading tonight. Deal with it.

It’s April 1st. April Fools Day! That one day a year, every year that I would call home and tell them I was pregnant!
I haven’t done that in a while! I really shouldn’t let an opportunity like April Fools Day pass by! I think I’ll text the old whatever-he-was and tell him I am pregnant (mental note made) –and then turn off my cell phone I DIGRESS!

It’s also my adopted cat, Donald’s, birthday… or at least the day I guessed was close enough. He’s 5. He is my LSU Law School cat. That is when I got him.

Let’s see… what else is today… I think I am forgetting something… Hmmmm April… April….

Mmmm April… Spring time…
My retro loving brain takes me back in time… especially on a day like today.

1995.
He was dreamy.
He was a pre-med student taking a financial break… joined the reserves and decided that X-ray school in the Army would look good on his future med school apps. So he said… who knows really.
He was dating my good friend… never so bold in my entire life, I told her one day, “I want him, and I can’t stay away.” She appreciated my honestly.  So she said… who knows really. I lost my friend.  I gained her man.

Our first date was in this incredibly pretentious coffee shop somewhere in San Antonio… it wasn’t my type of place. It was his.
A second date was at a piano bar –it wasn’t my kind of place, it was his.
I took him camping… not his kinda place, it was mine.
I made him go to Mexico with me… not his kinda place, it was mine.
He bought a lovely glass chess set at a souvenir shop, and his face paled when I made my purchase –a bull whip
I can remember how he tried so hard to teach me chess, he’d try so hard to let me win… still I would lose.
I can remember teaching him how to aim with the whip! His never-worked-hard-a-day-in-his-life hands would fumble every time.
We were two very different people.  But neither of us cared. It was an incredibly fun, temporary thing.

Most guys there got a kiss from me just by saying, “Hello” –I was friendly.
It didn’t happen like that with him… it was different.  It took a while. I think I liked him too much.  I was reluctant.
I think it was after the coffee shop.  It was a steamy hot night, windows down in the car… sitting in the parking lot, neither of us really wanting to say goodnight… Finally it was time that I HAD to go.  Damn curfew! He got out of the car and walked around to my door and that song came on the radio. He leaned in and turned it up… then he grabbed me for a kiss. *Melt*
19 year old Jenny was playing it cool… very cool… But I am pretty sure once I left and my car turned the corner I smacked my hands off the steering wheel several times and then high-fived myself! After that we were together until I moved on to Washington DC.

Every time I hear that song I think of him.  Every time I listen to Bob Seger I am transported back to that time.
I have a lot of memories like that from back in the day… I share this one because he was my favorite.
The Good Ol’ Days. Carefree. Childless… young… foolish… ZERO responsibility!!
The memories come back to me in flashes.  Good friends, good times, good booze.  Beaches, camping trips, house parties, picnics… boys boys boys!!! Never planning a thing, just going with the flow and having the best weekend of my LIFE –EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND!

I didn’t expect to live that way forever… not that I made future plans for my adult self.  I never do.  I’m a “roll with it” kinda girl.  I think that is the only way I manage to deal with it everyday.  I knew that having kids would change things… I think… I think I knew that.  When I found out I was pregnant with my first child I just shrugged it off and vaguely imagined the gypsy life we would share together. Whatever comes our way, we’ll deal with it. Maybe no more “boys boys boys” and bars… but the road trips and spontaneous vacations and good times with good friends would never have to come to an end! This child would be my side kick! But Autism stole that from me.
–And we have.  We have dealt with it… though some days “dealing with it” can be a bit too much.

That is where I am today.  It wasn’t a particularly bad day –not from my child.  It was just the totality of it all.
All this autism SHIT in the news –the ignorance, the denials, the same-old-excuse crappola… The headline on the local paper that said the new numbers are chalked up to awareness and diagnosing… April 1st.  The beginning of Autism Awareness Month. It feels like a knife in the back.

I don’t want to deal with it today.  I don’t want to be AWARE today –I don’t want to be aware that I can’t be spontaneous… that I can’t go do 99% of the things I want to do because of AUTISM. In one way or another… Gavin won’t go outside, the fire sirens might go off.  We can’t go do normal family things because there are too many considerations, too many things I can’t handle as ONE person trying to deal with my TWO kids.  I don’t want to be aware that if I do manage to think of something we can all do, that I don’t have the money to do it BECAUSE OF AUTISM. I don’t want to be aware that he is 15 and I should be able to put him in charge of my youngest so that I can go out and have a fun, carefree night with some boys boys boys.  I don’t want to be aware that a date takes an Act of Congress to clear my schedule and find a sitter and a refresher course in how grown ups interact and converse because I have become a social hermit –awkward and only knowing how to talk about autism and vaccines and methylation cycles.

I am more aware than I ever want to be.

I am reluctant. I am a reluctant “Mother Warrior” tonight.  So I am betraying a promise I made to myself with the memories and the dwelling… tonight… maybe tomorrow, maybe all week.  I am taking a break. Allow me to wallow in the memories of easier times for a little while longer.

Play me out, Bob: